Five people deadlocked on 7 in footy tipping
The results are in from the first round of Sports Review's tipping comp. Most did very well, but nobody picked all eight winners. (Curse those wretched Bulldogs!)

Here's the leaderboard, with gratuitous links to tippers' blogs where applicable:

Em 7
Foz 7
Peter 7
Pierre 7
Tony 7
Adam 5
Damo 4
Kate 4
Kyle 3

Sports Review wishes you better luck next week: hopefully someone can tip the magical eight.

pre-Max antics
Setting: KFC Bell Street Drive-Thru. Time: 0100 hours.
Me: "What do you want?"
Tony: "I dunno, I've never been here before!"
[everyone bar Tony breaks into fits of laughter]
Me: "That's blogworthy."

Um...
The following sign was held up by a fan at the Gabba tonight:

"GO BOMBERS
NO WAR"

New Year's Day for footy fans
Once more, all is well in the world. Well not quite, but footy is back and Collingwood won, so that's good enough for me.

Friday night's match was a bit out of the ordinary for a few reasons. It was weird to enter the MCG and see the historic stadium missing one of its stands. In place of the Ponsford is a construction site with cranes and trucks and concrete and piles of sand. Just like at the Gabba a few years ago, there was a guy employed to find the balls that were kicked into the construction zone. People stood and watched the game from the bridge over to Rod Laver: I wonder how the view is?...

Now, with a crowd of 61,000 squeezed into a the 70,000-capacity 'G, it was bloody hard to get a seat in the public area of the Southern Stand. As such, I ended up three rows from the back with absolutely no view of the remaining Punt Rd end scoreboard. Down the City end of the ground, we had a guy posting giant numbers on a blackboard to alert us of the scores in a throwback to the old days of the VFL. Not being able to watch instant replays of contentious/miraculous incidents was annoying, as was not being able to see the timeclock or any other stats. But as long as the 'Pies were in the lead, all else was of peripheral relevance.

There's nothing quite like having a go at the opposition's 'star players', and with Richo's one goal, six behinds effort I didn't have to look far for a target. Screaming random insults into a crowd of people may seem irrational in most facets of society, but there's something about the footy that encourages you to make your voice heard. And besides, that decision was bullshit!

Next week will be even better when we take on the hapless Bluebaggers and I can stick it to their number one fan: Ranga.

Cometti-isms of the week
Round 1: Collingwood v Richmond

After Eddie apologises for faults with Derm and Garry's microphones:
"I'll just put the scissors down."

First quarter, Richmond have a shot for goal from around 50m:
"No nine-pointers tonight, they're hitting from the ladies' tees."

Midway through the second term, Richo missses another:
"Richardson's play is red-hot, but his goal-kicking is at room temperature."

Late in third quarter when Richo sprays another kick across goal from close range:
"If he was a golfer he'd now be using the reverse overlapping grip."

After it was mentioned that Buckley had ran 19.1km throughout the course of the match:
"He'll be entering the stadium soon..."

Point-Counterpoint: The War on Iraq
An informed debate on the morality of the current war. And don't let the fact that it's on The Onion stop you from taking it any less seriously.

AFL Predictions 2003
It's that time of year where self-proclaimed footy experts go out on a limb and make some long-range predictions about the upcoming season. Here goes:...

Ladder after 22 Rounds:
1. Adelaide
2. Brisbane
3. Collingwood
4. Melbourne
5. West Coast
6. Port Adelaide
7. Hawthorn
8. Fremantle

9. Geelong
10. Essendon
11. Western Bulldogs
12. St Kilda
13. Carlton
14. Sydney
15. Kangaroos
16. Richmond

Premiers: Brisbane
Runner-up: Adelaide
Brownlow Medallist: Ben Cousins (West Coast)
Coleman Medallist: Alastair Lynch (Brisbane)
Norm Smith Medallist: Jonathon Brown (Brisbane)
Rising Star: Daniel Wells (Kangaroos)

First coach to get the axe: Danny Frawley (Richmond)
Best recruit: Ronnie Burns (Adelaide)
Worst recruit: Mick Martyn (Carlton)
Wayne Carey will: play 16 games, and be a solid contributor for the Crows into the finals.

Biggest shock: The AFL will agree to prop up the Western Bulldogs for the next 3 seasons, provided that they play 6 of their home games at the Gabba.
Smallest shock: Sam Newman is involved in a controversial incident aired live on The Footy Show. Eddie claims no knowledge of a set-up and vehemently apologies to the viewers, Nine management and sponsors the week later.

By the way, anyone who wants to join GNf's footy tipping comp, get on over to Sports Review and post your tips for Round 1 ASAP (in the comments section of the AFL Round 1 article).

Media representations: a copy of a copy of a copy
Right now, Colin Powell is speaking on Al Jazeera in an interview which is being relayed by CNN, which is being relayed by Nine.

He is speaking in English, but we get a translation of the Arabic translation, translated back to English. Farcical.

I wonder why CNN couldn't just get access Powell's original English audio channel? What we get from Powell's translator's translator is reminiscent of Babelfish.

War on propaganda
Campus politics can be quite amusing. Today I saw witnessed a heated argument between a peace activist and three pro-war students who were all trying to post their propaganda on the same section of a kiosk. (Note: 'kiosks' are the giant cylindrical concrete slabs around uni that are plastered with political propaganda, advertising for clubs and raves, and student group meetings etc.)

Regardless of my stance on war, it was good to see a few posters with slogans such as "Support Australia's troops - Support Australia" and "Let's take out Saddam" around the place to counter all the "Bush is the world's #1 terrorist" ones.

Anyway, to commemorate the occasion, here's a few anagrams of 'Saddam Hussein' from Anagram Genius:
- UN's said he's mad
- Dead in U.S. smash?
- Human's sad side
- He damns Saudis
- Had damn issues

Also, an anagram of 'George W. Bush and Tony Blair':
- Beware! Blood-hungry giants

Woo-hoo!
Readers that go to unimelb, check your mailbox today for a little orange card.
Free stuff for us.

No news is good news
I just got home from uni hungry for my daily dose of television war coverage. I turn on the TV, and what do I see?

The self-proclaimed Who's Who of News is airing a bunch of screaming schoolkids: not outside a Basra school that has just been bombed, but on the questionably-titled kiddie game show Pick Your Face. Meanwhile over on the The One To Watch, we have a bunch of hip twenty-somethings lounging around on The Big Arvo.

Presumably nothing terribly important is going on right now.

P.S.: Luckily SBS, which takes its news coverage seriously, was airing the BBC World feed.

War, what is it good for?
Things weren't looking great for Bush and friends over the last twenty four hours as:

1. A US soldier impatient to blow up Iraqis decided "a corpse is a corpse" and threw a grenade into his fellow soldiers' tent.

2. A British plane was shot down by a US missile. D'oh!

3. Footage of five captured US troops was broadcast on Iraqi TV, with the public humilation of POWs being a breach of the Geneva Convention.

Finally, some good news. Well, good in terms of Bush being able to justify his war. Allied troops have just stumbled upon a huge chemical weapons plant. Still no sign of any Weapons of Mass Destruction though. Will be interesting to see if they turn up when the coalition eventually seizes control of Baghdad.

Deadlines
Can't work to 'em, can't work without 'em...

Victory is sweet
Thanks to the 10,254 people who came out in support of the boys on Saturday evening, even if I only know three of them.

It always feel good to belt lowly teams like Penrith, and send them back on their way home with unpleasant memories of the Graveyard.

The Olympic Park game once again highlighted the professionalism of the NRL with Marcus Bai himself having to warn referees about fireworks holders still in place in the middle of the Panthers' in-goal area, just as they were about to kick off. Then during the first ten minutes players were entangled with a mass of streamers that littered the ground from when the Storm ran out. Amazing ground announcer James Sherry couldn't tell the Eastern Stand from the Western Stand. And the warm-up 'rap ode' to the Storm was beyond embarassing. I only saw *two* Penrith fans in the whole crowd, so there was nobody to start a fight with and claim it was just 'part of the game'.

Still none of these factors made the 42-16 win any less enjoyable. There's nothing like a few cups of VB, a pie with sauce and the rugby league.

And another thing: The Adelaide Rams are back! Well almost. After the game, we realised the Storm-Panthers clash was just a curtain raiser for the big one: Storm Development Squad v South Australia. The South Aussies ran onto the field wearing some leftover Rams jerseys!

Blogging in Baghdad
Where is Raed? is the blog of an Iraqi civilian living in Baghdad at the moment. Read it while you can.

Big Mac fan eats 19,000th burger
In spite of what's happening around the world this morning, I think we all need to have a laugh. This may help.

A guy in Wisconsin eats nothing but Big Macs. Literally nothing but Big Macs. Usually two per day. He rarely drinks anything apart from Coke. He has just eaten his 19,000th Big Mac. Recently he opted for a bit of variety, eating a slice of pizza, but said "it just wasn't the same." When reading this, you get the idea that he is morbidly obese but he's actually just 85kg!

But come on, this report can't be serious: as if anyone actually eats the same fast food product twice a day every single day of their life...

A Day
Well, in case you've been living under a rock in a cave in Afghanistan, you'd already know that today is 'A Day'.

Basically the US has began the obliteration of key strategic targets in Baghdad and every other major city in Iraq via air strikes. The use of force is apparently 10 times what was used in the opening assaults of Gulf War I. The Presidental Palace was taken out. Saddam is thought to be at least have been injured by the attacks. Nobody knows whether or not he is actually still alive.

The Iraqi military has been give one last chance to surrender. Let's hope they have some sense and do, although the regime will want to fight to the death. If it does have any chemical/biological/Weapons of Mass Destruction now might be the time to try them out while they still can.

North Korea says the situation is deteriorating and nearing the brink of nuclear conflict, with the US and South Korea exercising war games in the area.

Can't wait for this to sink in and see the reaction from the rest of the world...

Shock and Awe
Are you a fan of reality TV? Imagine a reality show aired live on a dozen channels.

Seven. Nine. CNN. Fox News. Sky News. ABC. CBS. NBC. CNBC. MSNBC. BBC. Al Jazeera.
Each channel has a constant flow of information, live camera footage from different locations within Baghdad and various other Iraqi cities.
Nightvision shots. Aerial shots. Ground shots. Maps of action. Statistics of casualities.
Live commentary from dozens of different experts. Videophone calls, phone calls to field journalists on the ground. Regular political rhetoric.
Then the commentary goes silent and the talking heads are gone.

The bombs light up the sky. The digitised sound of bomb after bomb exploding, live. Stars in the distance are actually B-52 fighters.
Flashes of light. Infernos. Explosions. Black smoke from burning oil wells. Crumbling buildings. More explosions, flashes of light in all directions on the city landscape.
Then brief silence. Nothing but the sound of car horns, cars driving through the city, a dog barking, then a terrified phrase in a foreign language cut off mid-word by the network.

The Iraqi Presidential Palace has been destroyed. Figures scroll across the screen. The stock market is rising. The oil prices are falling. Speeches from political leaders and generals. Reassure the public. Everything is going to plan. Weapons of precision. Donald Rumsfeld utters the words 'care and humanity' on one half of the screen while the Baghdad explosions continue on the other half. A juxtaposition of unparalled strength. "What you see is not the war in the Iraq. It's just one slice of it." The explosions continue. Black clouds obscure flashes of orange light against the night sky in the city.

Last Monday night I taped 24, and I haven't watched it yet. Everytime I turn the TV on and go to put the tape in, reality TV wins out over fictional TV. There is no comparison.

Cruel in Ten shuns
Tonight I watched Cruel Intentions for the nth time. However, Ten cut out Selma Blair's infamous "wanna blowjob?" line (after Ryan Phillippe takes her cherry, and it's "quiet time", then he goes to have a shower, alone). Ruined the whole movie.

Michelle angst
Today I've had searches from four different people all searching for Michelle Ang. Yes, one was the obligatory nude request which I am unfortunately unable to help with. Seems young Michelle is fast building up a fan base around Australia, just after she has been forced to leave the country! Anyway, here's a droolingly gorgeous pic of her to keep all you fans satisfied, and here's the fansite where I found it, which you may also find interesting.

And on a lighter note,
This guy has a right to be pissed off.

War of propaganda, lack of style
Can somebody get this dictator an interior decorator? Those curtains give the impression that Saddam's speech was not in fact live, but recorded sometime in the 1980s.

Anti-omen bet
Don't bet on "SUDAAM", No. 12 in Race 6, at the Moonee Valley Night Meeting on Saturday. Interestingly enough, the sire is "Mukddaam" from the USA. In the same race, go for No. 3, "CORPORATE POWER".

Blanket war-news TV coverage make Peter something something
If Scrubs, The Footy Show and Kenya's cricket semi-final all get shafted tonight in favour of the boys and their bombs, I'll be tempted go over there and take out Saddam myself.

Gentlemen, start your engines...
It begins.

Support the boys, and get course credit for it!
Finally got my essay topics for a subject I am taking called Sports, Entertainment & The Media. Question Number 4 in particular looks good:

Attend a match of the Melbourne Storm or an AFL team. Write a description and analysis of the experience taking into account your own reactions to the event, aesthetics and entertainment, composition of fan base, forms of sponsorship and advertising and gendering of the spectacle.

Monday night...
Is the night when the TV networks decide to cram all their good shows in. Below is my suggested viewing guide. But be warned to have your remotes ready, or else you might find yourself staying on a channel too long and inadvertantly watching something inane and mindless - namely Eddie McGuire on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.

7:30 The Simpsons
8:00 Malcolm in the Middle
8:30 The Secret Life Of Us (while taping 24)
9:30 Sex And The City
10:30 Futurama
11:00 King Of The Hill

Also take note that any of these programs could be interrupted unexpectedly, because of some guy called George W. planning a fireworks extravaganza somewhere in the Middle East.

Sites of the day

Baptist Boys Don't Beat Off. Beating Satan, not your penis. Or if that's not your cup of tea, check out the object of Tony's dreams.

Hey, Hey Kids!

I'm Krusty the Clown!

Always cracking clever jokes and insulting others I love being the center of attention. Off the cameras however, I become a cynical, depressed, asshole.

Which Simpsons Character are YOU?

Just another public transport morning
This morning my train was stopped at Heidelberg without explanation (well, there may have been an announcement - I was listening to my walkman). As a result I was forced to fight my way through hundreds of disgruntled commuters to catch a bus to another line, and ended up missing my lecture.

Thanks to the web, I just found out why.

Sorry for the cynicism, but if it were Tokyo, JR's automated clean-up system would ensure that schedules were back on time within 15 minutes.

tick, tick, tick, tick, BOOM!
To get a brief, yet scarily accurate idea of the contrasting stances Melbourne's print media is taking on the War, simply do the following two things in this order:

1. Read page one of today's Herald Sun.

2. Turn to page sixteen of The Age. Look at the Leunig cartoon.

Enough said.

Deja vu
Tonight's destinations? Crown, KFC and the O.E.

Australia's tertiary system is fucked up
Neighbours babe Michelle Ang is leaving the series to return to New Zealand. Why? Because the nineteen-year-old goddess of Ten is juggling a Science degree in between her acting duties. She completed two years of a four year course in Wellington, but those inconsiderate bastards at Monash (hey, wasn't that the Uni whose vice-chancellor got in trouble for plaigarism last year?) are refusing to give her credit for the subjects she completed in NZ. Please stay, Michelle, the Uni of Melbourne will accept you!

Today's blog is all filler, time killer
I somehow got myself out of bed at 9:30am this morning. Bumped into Sarah on the train: not sure if her blog is still alive.

After watching a high-quality sporting event, then a downing few draughts, and even the rare Guinness at a local tavern last night, I made the traditional pilgrimage to Heidelberg's holy land - the O.E.

A midnight stroll to 7-Eleven was then on the cards.

Wednesdays I have the pleasure of a four hour and 15 minutes break between classes.

For the most part, my timetable is short and succinct with only 30 minute breaks to grab a coffee or indulge in some tabloid "journalism".

So much time to kill. Maybe I should just get on some random trams and trains and see where I end up.

Five pearls of wisdom
1. Not you boys again!
2. What are you showing me ID for?
3. You look 18, probably...
4. Hmm, your dress code is borderline, but I'll let you in anyway.
5. Just keep it quiet tonight boys, okay?

-Frank, resident bouncer at the O.E.

A bit of a whinge
OK, so I figure we're all entitled to a bit of a whinge once in a while, and what better medium for it than my humble little blog? Here are two things that got my goat today...

1. The Uni Bookshop. I hate queues. Not just waiting in queues, but picking which queue to go to when there are multiple queues. I never win. Oh the frustration of seeing people who started lining up 15 minutes after you get served before you because the idiot in front of you decides to pay for his six textbooks separately with six different payment methods. At least the bi-annual crush is over and done with, except that it's not. A few of my subjects' readers haven't been printed yet which means another trip into the abyss of human bodies and educational materials that is the bookshop.

2. Subway's "Sandwich Artists". While a six inch sub may not qualify as a work of art, I'd be happy if these so-called artists were at least equipped with basic English comprehension skills. Case in point: use of relative quantitative terms, for example "just a bit". Are these people not able to differentiate between the relative terms "just a bit of mayo, please" and "drown the whole thing with mayo, please" or do they just not get paid enough to care?

*breathes sigh of relief* It was good to get that off my chest! We now return you to your regular blogging program...

singalong
If you're an egomaniac and you know it, clap your hands.

one word: disturbing.
It seems my humble little blog comes up as the 11th listing when you search for "nikki webster photo nude" in Yahoo. (This info comes courtesy of a curious browser from Amsterdam.) After pointing out this fact, it'll probably be higher. Well sorry, disappointed search engine user, but you won't find any of that here, why not click back on your browser and type "free online counselling service" into the search field instead?

Also for the person who searched for "Malchik gay meaning": 'Malchik gay' is Russian for 'gay boy'. The song is about a girl who is in love with another girl. However the girl the singer likes is in love with a boy, hence the love is unrequited. The person who searched for "Delta Goodrem Lost Without You film clip", don't try downloading it form one of those notoriously evil peer-to-peer file sharing apps, as that would be illegal! ;)

P.S. For the record, the words "nude" and "photo" came from an article I wrote about Wayne Carey's latest hi-jinks, while "Nikki Webster" was mentioned in one of my rants about t.A.T.u. It's all in the archives, people...

These Pies are hot
Well, the mighty Pies are through to another Grand Final. It may not be the real stuff, but I wouldn't mind seeing the boys doing the proverbial on the Crows and taking home the traditional Wizard Wok. Hopefully if the AFL has any sense it will be played at the Telstra Dome so I can see it in person (Watching footy on TV is only about a tenth as good as being there).

I wonder if a certain someone is still offering odds of $701 for Collingwood to win the Wizard Cup now?

Zoom zoom
Ever got a speeding ticket? Were you just 5 or 10 km/h over the speed limit or significantly higher? In Malaysia, a guy has been booked for driving at 773km/h.

Hawthorn encounters

Me: Do you vote Republican or Democrats?

Inebriated American Chick: I'm a Republican.

Me: OK. Well in the lead-up to the 2000 election, I campaigned for Al Gore.

Inebriated American Chick: Really? How did you do that?

Me: I lived in Seattle, and I handed out flyers at the polling booths.

Inebriated American Chick: Are you blowing smoke up my ass? (to Kate/Cara:) Is he lying?

cyber-communique-constipation: 3 days without a blog

Apologies to my faithful blog readers for the lack of updates this week, for you see I am back in class. That means fighting my way through Melbourne's public transport system through the crowds of businesspeople, students, anti-war protestors, Grand Prix fanatics and the 1001 other types of people that make up the city. For the first time in months, I've been awake before 9am each day of the week, which also means that I'm feeling tired and ready for bed around 10:30pm. Weird, huh?

Time to get my priorities straight. I'm off to catch up with some 24 on tape, I'm 2 hours behind: If I don't watch it before Monday, I'll be 3 hours behind, or in other words, in Perth.

WANTED


Last seen driving down the Eastern freeway, numberplate "MANLY 8". More information here.

New flavours are the flavour of the week

Over the past year, consumers have seen an influx of new soft drink flavours on the market as companies try to boost sales. Taking a familiar brand name and changing its flavour has become a popular concept and it seems every month or so we have a new drink that we are encouraged to "reward our curiosity" and try one.

These soft drink spinoffs include:

* Vanilla Coke
* diet Coke with Lemon
* Pepsi Blue (at least Domestos has a warning telling us not to drink it!)
* Pepsi with a Lemon twist
* Fanta Bubbly Lemonade
* Fanta Lemon (Tangier than Lift, Fizzer than Solo!)
* Mountain Dew Code Red (imported by USA Foods)
* Dr Pepper Red Fusion (imported by USA Foods)

So what's next you may ask? Well, boys and girls I have the answer. Sprite Remix. Tropical flavoured Sprite. Take a look at the funky new cans.

Meanwhile, we can add another flavour to the massive list of Fanta flavours available worldwide: Blueberry Splash. Who feels like a day trip to Thailand?

3 mania
Anyone find it strange how Tel$tra is promoting a series of new offers using
a big number "3", and offering $333,333 worth of prizes etc...? Today I have
been bombarded with the big number "3" Telstra promotion from people handing
out flyers at the train station, full-page ads in the newspaper and TV ads.

Coincidentally, this comes as the same time as Hutchison Telecoms
(an Australian telco using the Orange brand) is launching its 3-G mobile
platform, also with a big number "3" as its logo, which can be seen at their
website. This company also sponsors Essendon, which is
this year has the 3 logo on their jumper.

Could Tel$tra be deliberately trying to hijack or confuse consumers?

Back to the grind
Finally, after four whole months of physical and mental inertia, it's back to Uni tomorrow. Can't wait to sink my teeth into another year of start-the-night-before-mad-rush 2000 word essays.

Why is procrastination so much more fun than flat out boredom? Discuss.