That would explain it.
The alleged* plane hijacker had a good reason after all... According to this report, he was an avid Hawthorn fan! I wonder if this fact will be used in his defence?

*last week's journalism lecture was on defamation.

The Matrix: Reloaded Seuss-style

The Matrix: ReSeussed

by Tom

(If "The Matrix: Reloaded" had been written by Dr. Seuss)
Warning: contains "The Matrix: Reloaded" spoilers

NEO:          I am the One and I am free.
              The Oracle is fond of me.
              I need that dude who makes the key.
MEROVINGIAN:  You only dream that you are free,
              Look all around -- causality:
              It's in the wine, it's in the steak,
              It's in this chocolate cake I bake.
              See yonder blonde? She sure looks fine.
              One bite of cake, and she'll be mine.
              Then in the restroom where we're meeting,
              You can guess what she'll be eating.
              So, goodbye.
NEO:                        But I am free, 
              And he is not the boss of me!
PERSEPHONE:   He is a pig, she is a whore,
              I've seen this scene twelve times before.
              The tricks he's pulled, the lies he's said --
              I'll shoot his werewolf in the head!
              I'll fix him good for being sly;
              I'll give you the key maker guy.
              But first, a kiss to seal the deal;
              Just make me feel that it's for real.
NEO:          This bargain does have some appeal . . .
              OK, a kiss, and now we're through.
PERSEPHONE:   I'm very cute, curvaceous too,
              Is that the best that you can do?
              It must be true, the things they say --
              The tabloid stories that you're . . .
NEO:                                                 Hey!  
              Let's try again, you are a hottie.
              Here's a kiss that's really naughty.
              (Trinity will hate this night.
              She'll bring it up each time we fight.)
PERSEPHONE:   Now, that was better, way to go!
              I feel a tingle, head to toe.
              Let's have another.
TRINITY:                          Back off, ho!
              Or taste a bullet from my gun.
PERSEPHONE:   Too bad you're with her, she's no fun.
              Well, come with me, we won't get caught.
              I'll let you in my secret spot:
              A steamy, dark place down below,
              A tunnel deep in my chateau.
MORPHEUS:     Could this be symbolism?
TRINITY:                                No.
PERSEPHONE:   Come through this door and take a peek.
              This little guy is the locksmith geek.
KEYMAKER:     I've got the keys to every lock.
              I jingle-jangle when I walk!
NEO:          And can you get me to the Source?
KEYMAKER:     I have that key. Of course!  Of course!
              I'm on your side, just don't take me
              Through airport gate security.

(First published at http://matrixessays.blogspot.com
 This poem may be freely reproduced if it is unchanged 
 and this notice is included.)

    

    

Conspiracy?
Earlier this morning I posted a disparaging spiel about Blogger always being down. It's since vanished mysteriously.

Jesus was gay
Sounds like the name of a South Park episode, doesn't it? Gotta love the newsworthy articles in this quality publication. The punchline to this story is a pearler:

He said the planet Uranus figured prominently in Jesus's astrological chart, as it did with many gays.

Interesting idea, though. Jesus' sexuality was never really discussed in the Bible, so He came across as more of an asexual being. But all humans have sexual desires of one inclination or the other, and Jesus was human. And even if He wasn't gay, He'd have to be considered a gay icon, what with those flowing locks, white robes and stylish sandals He wore everywhere.

Perhaps we'll never know the truth. If only tabloids were around 2000 years ago...

We demand a recount!
t.A.T.u are contesting their Eurovision results, saying the voting process was unfair. Who would have thought it? Al Gore and two debaucherous Russian "lesbians" have something in common.

What I'm listening to...
I'm on a bit of a early 90's nostalgia kick this week, listening to such forgotten classics as:

HOT BUTTER - Popcorn*
ACE OF BASE - The Sign
PET SHOP BOYS - Se A Vida E
*Now the theme song of Micallef Tonight

Cheesy dance/electronica achieved a peak of perfection sometime between 1990 and 1995. Discuss.

Nooooooo!
Tragedy of tragedies. On-tap beer to rise ten cents. Not the best day to be heading out on the traditional pub crawl... With the amber fluid getting weaker in alcohol content and more expensive per pot, no wonder it costs a fortune to get drunk these days.

Procrastination Aid of the Day
Wicketball. Simple, addictive flash game in which you hit a golf ball with a wicket into a water tank. Perfect for those "I better start writing my essay soon... ah what the hell, just one more game" times. Oh, and as an added bonus you get to harrass a little green frog. Somebody call the RSPCA!

Two strikes, Blogger
Now I try to update Sports Review, only to find an old template there - the "recent scores" were from Round 2 of the Wizard Cup! Not good enough, Blogger.

Due to Blogger being a slow, unreliable joke of a service lately and not letting me update my Big Brother blog, I'm posting the following here out of frustration.

BELINDA WALKS!
"If you can't fuck'n handle it, what are you doing here? Walk out that door," said Ben to an unhappy housemate few days ago. How prophetic his words were.

At 8:00pm last night, Belinda decided she'd had enough and became the first Australian BB housemate to walk out voluntarily. Last year Turkan got emotional and upset one night and threatened to leave, but Big B talked her into staying. This year Irena tried unsuccessfully to organise a mass walkout of the Square House.

Let's face it. Belinda had mental problems which surfaced three weeks ago with "the incident". She's been lying low until the last couple of days, when the whole Ben wildfire broke out on Monday. Ben went even further than Carlo, and openly accused the Queensland hairdresser of being a two-faced liar. Belinda later threatened to murder him in an act of venegance. Claire, who was shocked at Belinda's revelations of her sister's murder a few weeks ago, was understandably startled by Belinda's threats and sought Big B's help. Big Bro first called in Belinda and gave her a second strike, then all the housemates and warned them not to threaten or engage in phsyical violence.

Last night Belinda finally cracked, and decided to leave the house, citing that she didn't like the group dynamic as a reason! Conspiracy theories suggest she was pushed after the murder threats, as she spent some time with resident shrink Carmel Hill before making her final decision to walk.

Get this: she didn't bother saying goodbye to the other housemates before taking her bat and going home... Hypocrisy!!! Remember Carlo's eviction, when Belinda got upset for a whole day when Carlo didn't hug her and say goodbye. Not that I blamed him, we could all do without a kitchen knife in the back.

Due to the Belinda situation, I imagined this week's eviction may be cancelled, however Mike Goldman on BB Up Late has just said they are going ahead. During Up Late, those incompetant eediots at Ten were still airing the original eviction ads, complete with phone number for Belinda! Way to rob unsuspecting viewers of 55 cents.

It now looks inevitable that Ben will take the fall for the whole situation, as most of the housemates are now more than aware of his manipulate tactics. Personally, I admire Ben for what he's done: use his undercover cop experience to do people's heads in... this is what the show should be about, not everyone getting along and hugging all week like "good Aussie bloke" Ben and "pretty boy" Blair did in the 2001 series.

The only way Ben can be saved now is if all his fans unite and rally against another housemate. Logically, that housemate would be Chrissy, as she's been the strongest willed in standing up to him.

What else is new?
Blogger is being a royal pain in the arse today. It's letting me update some blogs and not others. So before people start complaining that the Sports Review tipping board isn't updated, now you know why.

Life imitates art, yet again
Those of you who watched angsty teen drama Party of Five last decade may remember one character who was particularly creepy: Julia's abusive boyfriend Ned, who took his rage out on her on a regular basis until Julia finally stood up to him.

Sometimes you have to feel sorry for actors who play particularly evil roles and are typecast as villians and often spat on in their real lives. Not this guy.

Eurovision by request
Austria's song was entitled "Weil der Mensch zählt" (Becuase the human counts), and was written and peformed by Alf Poier. You could hypothetically download the song from your favourite file-sharing application of choice, if it wasn't illegal.

Oh, and here's a full translation of the lyrics.

Thoughts of a scorpion
You may find it surprising that someone as cynical as I has just spent the past hour reading various online Horoscopes. Yeah, I know. They're just bullshit. Bear with me.

It started with the MX two weeks ago. Now normally, I'd suppress my derisive thoughts on the boring celebrity 'gracing' the front page, then scan the thing for T&A before flipping to the weird stories. But another public transport user convinced me to read their horoscopes and mine, as they did it out of habit. "It's just a bit of fun."

So I did. And it was bullshit. The normal vague events set to occur because some planet is entering some part of the Universe. I'll spare you the Uranus joke here but it was crap. Being a good citizen, I humored my companion by having a laugh at whatever predictions there were.

The following week on the train, the same thing happens. Once again, I pay scant regard to the content of these messages.

The thing about the human mind is: if you convince yourself something is true for long enough, it attains truth. Let's face it, truth has no objectivity: we believe whatever we believe about the world because we choose to. (I'll avoid the Matrix tangent - that's for next time.)

That's probably what's so appealing about silly little things like horoscopes. When you want to desperately want to believe something, you'll search high and low for validation of your beliefs. Horoscopes reaffirm your beliefs. You read them with a certain mindset, and skew your current situation to mirror those words on a page.

Anyway, enough of the justification of why a supposedly logical and rational person such as myself could take interest in something as supposedly trivial as astrology. I particularly like this one for the month of May - oh, and I'm a Scorpio, in case you were wondering...

Hold on tight as the emotional whirlwind begins to knock you around. Look at life as being good and full of wonderful changes that will only lead to future happiness. It may appear to be a bad scene right now but everything indication points to your success and well-being. Learn to go with the flow, take things as they come and you will see just how good things can be.

Hey, even a closet pessimist who claims to be a realist needs a splash of optimism in their life now and then.

I do not like green eggs and spam
Yesterday was Dump The Junk Day, a worldwide anti-spam day designed to raise awareness of the problems spam causes us all in our daily lives. Fat lot of good that will do.

But in the spirit of the event, instead of just emptying the Hotmail recycle bin as I do every other day, let's take a look at the content of some of these e-mails. And remember, this is only the stuff that gets through all the filters.

The following are the subject lines of the spam I recieved on Dump The Junk Day, categorised and assessed for possible entertainment value:

Penile Enlargements
- Break Walls Apart With Your Big Johnson
Up until now I've only been using my penis for urination and sexual functions when I could be using it to demolish walls!

- A longer, thicker penis
Hmm. If I increased the length of my genitalia by 1mm for every one of these have I received, I'd risk death from blood loss whenever I got a hard-on.

Medical
- Acquire your reduce medication without proble...
How about acquire proper English grammar syntax?

- Yes! Pheromones!! Perfect Human Love Scent
Human love scent? Why do I get the image of a cheap brothel that doesn't mop their linoleum floors with disinfectant...

Porn
- Cheerleaders out of control
What's wrong with the American school system? Surely they should be able to control their cheerleaders.

- Shameful Skanks
As opposed to shame-free skanks?

- Heavy Adlt Shows
Whoa. Adlt action. Heavy.

- Awesome babez here
Thankz, but no thankz.

- nelle
Recent spammer tactic: simply use one female name as the subject. The gullible fools and lonely geeks might think it's actual human communication from a living breathing female!

Surveillance
- Get Secret Information On Anyone
Anyone? If this isn't a scam, could I get the home address and phone number of the individual from which this e-mail originated?

- Pound her pussy pot pie
The contents of this one were the same as the above. How low is that, passing off some surveillance scam as porn? Personally I'd prefer to see a combination of female anatomy and baked goods.

Financial
- KEEP MORE OF YOUR PAYCHECK
A scam to evade tax? Where do I send my credit card number?

- interest rates make your bills hard to manage...
Yawn.

- Debt Consolidation
Creditors on your back? If you're already in deep debt, you might as well throw the towel in. Go on, let some spammer manage your financial matters.

- Great Money
Here, take my money. I'm too stupid to deserve it.

Miscellaneous
- PATRIOTIC PICTURE - cool!
I expected a poorly-designed PhotoShop image of George W. Bush masturbating. Surprisingly, this wasn't to be. In fact, there was no picture at all, just some blind links. Not very patriotic at all.

Happy 10,000
I've just noticed that this blog has exceeded 10,000 hits. I'd like to thank all my regular readers, as well as the thousands of sex-starved visitors who searched Google in hope of catching a glimpse of Delta Goodrem's pink bits.

4:30am blog
Ah, my old friend insomnia, how I have missed ye.

Even an hour-long dose of Norah Jones' aural valium couldn't do it for me tonight.

On the upside, I think I'll get to catch an episode of Sports Night. Oh crap, I just consulted the guide and tonight is one of those Dateline NBC nights.

Pity BB Up Late isn't on all night, maybe watching others sleeping could get me to sleep... Too many thoughts running through my head right now, need mindless distraction. Channel [V] sounds good!

One of those days...
My brain is so overflowing with endorphins tonight that my neck hurts. What to blog? Some of the most addictive drugs aren't actually drugs.

There is no crime
Yeah, right. The latest criminal defence in murder cases: It's only part of The Matrix.

Site of the day
Acts of Gord: The experiences of a real-life Comic Book Guy, who runs a video game store in Canada.

Bloggers beware!
Beware of your blog becoming like one of the examples in this scathing criticism of the practise of blogging. Oh, and this morning I got up and made myself a piece of toast. I had to have apricot jam because we were out of Vegemite! ;)

More Vic teams in the AFL by 2010!
If you have
a) anything more than a passing interest in the AFL
b) two minutes to spare
then go fill out this brief Herald Sun survey.

One question in particular was either an intriguing clue as to the future of the league or very poorly thought-out. Okay, so being the Herald Sun, it was most likely the latter. The question in question read: "Do you expect more or fewer AFL teams will be based in Melbourne in 2010?"

Anyone selecting the option for "more" is either a bitter hard-core Fitzroy, South Melbourne or University supporter, or needs a reality check. There's a novel idea, relocate some of the existing interstate clubs to Victoria, and I might get to see some finals action within 500 km of my home. Bring on the Port Melbourne Power, Frankston Dockers, Fitzroy-Brisbane Bearlions, South Melbourne Blood-Stained Angelic Swans, Altona Crows and West Heidelberg Eagles.

This blog returns from its dormant state
Obviously I haven't giving nearly enough attention to this beloved blog in recent times. In fact, it's been over a year since my first ever entry to this blog (which came on the fateful day of May 9, 2002). The milestone passed and I didn't even notice... [Hinch voice] Shame!

I could sit and make excuses about other things going on in my life or argue that my existance has been consumed by Big Brother but I won't. Oops, I think I just did.

In short, to get you up-to-date on the recent happenings in my life:

- Spent Saturday afternoon at the Hellstra Dome watching the not-so-mighty Pies fight their way back from giving away a 37 point head start to the Weagles, only to piss it away during time-on in the last quarter.

- Saw The Matrix Reloaded on Thursday night, midnight session. The cinema was full, and my review will come soon. But if you liked the first one, just go see this and decide for yourself.

Today I shall head to the track in search of some equine-obtained shiny gold coins. If you feel like making a donation to this charity, be sure to follow these reccomendations.

P.S. Sorry about the lame Toilet Duck observation below. I've been blank for inspiration lately and it gave me a laugh while taking a piss, so why not blog it, I concluded.

PC World
First the UN pressures the Queesland Government to rename the E. S."Nigger" Brown Stand at a Rugby League ground in Toowoomba. What next: the "Suitable For Septics" label on the Toilet Duck bottle being regarded as a racial slur?... Politically correct insanity.

To Be Continued...

Uni fees to rise
Looks like I better finish my degree before 2005, before my uni raises fees through the roof.

To all those who claim this year's BB is a bore...
Jebus! The reality tv-crazed masses are flocking to my Big Brother blog. Yesterday I got 446 hits, and half of them weren't even me! (the record for this humble blog is 152 hits in a day).

The massive surge in traffic has come largely from an influx of Googlers searching for phrases like "Big Brother belinda murder". Well, now some of them will end up here as well.

By the way, just in case you've been living under a rock (or a Governor-General), anorexic hairdresser Belinda got a little 'tired and emotoional' after Sunday's eviction and revealed that her sister was a murderer. More details here.

Think unsexy thoughts... think unsexy thoughts...
"Your infatuation is based on a physical attraction. Talk to the woman and you'll realize you have nothing in common."

Homer: [awkwardly] Uh...so, let's have a conversation. Um...I think we'll find we have very little in common.
Mindy: Can't talk -- eating.
Homer: [gasps] Hey, my favorite -- raspberry swirl with a double glaze.
Mindy: [drooling] Double glaze...
Homer: [whimpers] D'oh! OK, so we have one thing in common. But you know what I hate? [craftily] Drinking beer and watching TV...
Mindy: [blissful] Oh, not me. That's my idea of heaven.
Homer: [weakly] D'oh! Me too.
Mindy: Really? I can see I'm gonna love working with you. Well, gotta go. [whispers] I wanna sneak in a quick nap before lunch.

[She walks off, and Homer can barely contain himself]

Mindless flash distraction of the day
Scissors, Paper, Stone. So stupid that I guarantee you'll spend at least ten minutes playing it.

Belated political comment
So John Howard got a standing ovation from the punters at Yankee Stadium.

Amazing? Not when you consider that the crowd wouldn't have a clue who he was... Prime Minister of Australia? Isn't that in Europe somewhere?

When the ground announcer mentioned "country X fought beside American troops in the war," let's face it, John Burgess, Big Kev or Pauline Hanson could have appeared on the scoreboard and got the same amount of applause.

Now let's see if George Dubya will reciprocate and attend Australia v whoever in the Rugby World Cup final... and if so, I wonder: will he get the same warm reception?

P.S. Which of these two "international icons" do you think Joe American would be more familiar with?

To Get Deep...

...Now it's about three a.m.
I see people goin' spinnin' jumpin' and grindin'
as if they had wings on their feet
raising both hands in the air
as if Jesus was a DJ himself
spinnin those funky funky funky house beats
And in this temple we all pray in unity for the same thing
rhythmatic pause without cause
bass from those high definition speakers
sitting in the corner on each side of the room
givin' us the boom boom boom
two hour zoom zoom zoom
the smell of a L lit while walking by
but the music gets me high
sanctified like an old lady in church
we get happy
we stomp our feet
we clap our hands
we shout
we cry
we dance
and we say sweet lord, speak to me
speak to me, speak to me, speak to me
because we love house music
and on this planet it brings us together
like a family reunion every week
we eat
we drink
we laugh
we play
we skate
so for all you hip hoppers
you do-woppers, name droppers
you pill poppers
come into our house
to get deep

"Song For Shelter" - Fatboy Slim feat Roland Clark

Apathy is cool
Apathy is cool
Apathy is hard to attain
But after a lot of darkness you can get there
Apathy is hard to maintain
But after a lot of darkness you can stay there
After you find apathy, people will think you are cool
But:
If you try to take advantage of the coolness apathy brings
You have to care about something or someone
And therefore lose your apathy
And therefore lose your cool
Apathy is cool

It had to happen...
Iraqi Information Minister sampled in UK dance hit.

Ragin' Cajun not upstagin' Zinger
I've come to the conclusion that a Rajin' Cajun is a poor man's Zinger.

On the other hand - at least it's edible... we've seen a lot of sub-par burgers rolled out over the past year or so under the "New Tastes Menu" banner. In recent times, By trying to create burgers to fit a supposed hip, cosmopolitan image, Maccas have forgotten to invent products that people would actually want to eat. That weird tandoori and mint yoghurt chicken burger is a prime example. Then we had that "outback burger" abomination. Isn't it funny how the fast food industry always uses a nationality/location to market a new product, yet the only difference to existing products is the addition of one common ingredient.

Think of how often you hear the following descriptors and what they actually represent:
Tropical = slice of pineapple, Italian = slice of salami, Outback = barbecue sauce, Greek = garlic sauce, Oriental = tandoori sauce.
Boring.

At least the Ragin' Cajun' has got a catchy name (hey, it rhymes!). You even get a whole litre of Coke to wash it down with, or if you just feel like testing out your bladder for the hell of it. It's a welcome change from the bland-tasting McChicken, and far less nauseating than a Big Mac, but it runs a poor second to the Colonel's hot 'n' spicy herbs and spices in a good ol' Zinger.

Not gonna fail us (aka "Show Me Course Credit")
What is tertiary education coming to? I recently got an email saying that it's "strongly reccommended" that I watch the current Big Brother series for the reality TV topic of my Understanding Australian Media class. Now it seems Cambridge University is offering a course based on t.A.T.u. Why can't these crazy universities just stick to the more traditional subjects: like Philosophy, Politics and The Simpsons?

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Apologies for the short hiatus.
Back to your normal blogging program shortly.