Movie Review: The Girl Next Door

Blonde bombshell Elisha Cuthbert (Jack Bauer's daughter on 24) is the only reason I saw this movie, which was more I less what I expected - just another teen sex comedy in the mould of American Pie.

For the first thirty minutes, I was satisfied. The girl next door moves in to the house next door (strangely enough) to the school geek Matt, who inadvertantly gets to spy on her undressing through his bedroom window. So quite naturally they hit it off until he finds out she is actually a porn star. Sounds too good to be true, doesn't it?

After the first half hour, Cuthbert hardly features, which is a major disappointment, given that her character comprises the film's title and is its major selling point. There is no real plot, just a series of cheesy sex jokes based around the antics of Matt and his two nerdy sidekicks. The nerds, the jocks, the parents, the principal, the foreign kid and are all there - you know the formula. The "oh-so-wacky" situations do provide the odd laugh here and there, but are ultimately unsatisfying.

What we really need to see is more of the gorgeous Elisha. I was expecting her character to be something like Sarah Michelle Gellar's in Cruel Intentions, but after a promising introduction in the first half hour she disappears into the background, leaving the movie with very few reedeeming qualities.

Verdict: Don't waste the money on a cinema ticket unless you're either addicted to the teen sex comedy genre or are a hardcore Elisha Cuthbert fan. And even then you'll probably be disappointed with this predictable effort.

1.5 out of 5 stars

Watching The Simpsons Season 4 DVD - out now and only $59 at JB Hi-Fi!

Melbourne in shock weather improvement

It's the last week of August, but summer is already in the the air. (Yes, I've resorted to writing a blog entry about the weather such is my level of sheer boredom in the office today.)

Every year comes a day where you can feel the humidity rise just enough for you to realise that it'll soon be t-shirt and shorts weather. That day is today. Knowing Melbourne, we'll probably get a few more weeks of rain before the nice warm days actually starts.

And back to you in the newsroom.

Listening to the sound of journos typing away, wanting to get their stories filed before deadline, having spent the morning relaxing.

The secret to Olympic Gold: a nightly KFC run

At last, an Olympic hero I can look up to! If a nightly KFC run is good enough for one of Australia's elite athletes, it's good enough for the people here at GNf. From today's Herald Sun:

Bayley's live-in health adviser revealed a normal day in the life of her Olympic champion usually involved a late-night drive to the KFC nearest the Australian Institute of Sport in Canberra.

"He'll start dinner with steak and chips then chocolate ice cream and chocolate topping," she said.

"Later on, he'll do what he calls his KFC run just before the shop closes.

"You'll see him doing burnouts through the gates of the AIS just to get there in time."

Popcorn chicken is the Bayley favourite. "But he only gets the medium size," Ms Purcell said.

So he doesn't upsize... Wonder if he goes for the Mountain Dew or just Pepsi?

Waiting for the clock to tick over to 12:00pm so I can get out of this place for an hour. Only 42 minutes to go.

And the gold medal for ridiculously big burgers goes to...

The United States. Who else?

A pub in Pennsylvania is selling a burger with 9 pounds (4kg) of pure beef. Also on the burger is two tomatoes, half a head of lettuce, 12 slices of cheese, a full cup of peppers and two onions. All for only $23.95 (A$34).

Nobody has ever finished one.

Sipping a diet Coke with Lime.

Hungry Hijinx

Anyone who's seen Super Size Me will understand the thrill of ordering a triple whopper then going up to the counter and asking the girl for nutritional information on the gastronomic monstrosity you've just ordered.

Well, just for you Dan, here's some insightful figures on the burger you managed to consume, care of the good people Hungry Jack's:

Nutritional Information: Triple Whopper
Energy 4820KJ
Protein 69.1g
Fat, total 76.7g
- saturated 28.8g
Carbohydrate 46.1g
- sugars 11.6g
Sodium 1088mg

Nutritional Information: Triple Whopper, Large Fries, 2 Large Coca-Colas (accounting for the free refill)
Energy 8880kJ
Protein 81.1g
Fat, total 98.4g
- saturated 39.7g
Carbohydrate 226g
- sugars 143.8g
Sodium 1301mg

Simple. Now why couldn't the girl at the counter work this out?

Next time I'm feeling hungry and masochistic I may just order a Quintuple Whopper with Bacon, Cheese and extra mayo, a small fries and a diet Coke.

Contemplating Twelve or so hours of solid sleep.

Site of the day

Want to bitch about having to wait 30 minutes before being served at your local Kmart? Incompetent "sandwich artists" drowned your lunch in red wine vinegarette when you asked for a "little"? Or just enjoy reading horror customer service stories? It's all here at The Complaint Station. Search by the name of the store/company.

My personal favourites... From a Subway customer:
it would help alot if they would hire people who understood English. This may sound racist but it is truly not I just believe that you need to comprehend English to function in this country. At both locations there are East Indian and Pakistanis running the place and they do not know English. I went in to Union Turnpike to order a 6ft hero and a party platter for a function at my son's school and no one in the place could answer any question I had about the food. Any question I asked, they just started making sandwiches. By the time I got fed up enough to leave, they had 7 sandwiches laid out in front of them.

Staff that respond to questions in a language they don't understand by making subs with random fillings, isn't that what the world needs more of these days?

And from a Subway employee:
I'm an employee of a Subway sandwich shop. I have come to realize that you don't usually get to see the dark side of Subway within your two minute visit. First off, there is an ingredient formula by which we are supposed to abide. You wouldn't beleive some of the scrimping that Subway does to save money. Six black olives are all you're supposed to get. That's for a footlong sandwich. If we exceed the forumula too often, and the food costs get out of range, we lose our employee meals. This wouldn't be such a bad thing if there was any chance of getting a pay raise to compensate for the lack of lunch. Subway employees here in Jacksonville don't get a lunch break, or breaks throughout the day. As a result, the overall morale of the subway team is lowered daily, which is then reflected upon the customers. Yes, even I am guilty of this. We are also forced to use shoddy equipment, which not only reduces efficiency, and increase costs, but it also puts us at risk. For example, the tomatoe slicer that we use in our store has extremely dull blades, a worn out cutting board that doubles as the slide channel for the hammer assembly, and a broken handle. The rotary slicer doesn't slice due to worn bushings. Our drains back up frequently, flooding the prep area with dirty dish water. The timer on our bread oven sticks, causing the bread and cookies to burn often. Management has refused to repair or replace this faulty equipment, stating that "the tools we provided are still functional for the purpose in which they are intended." Management has also decided to pass the cost of burnt cookies and bread off to the employees, claiming that we should be watching the cookies (despite the fact that we're trying to keep up with everything else, including cash in and setting up the bain table). When you're only making $5.15 an hour, and there's no chance for a raise, this really hurts. The cost per employee is over an hour's worth of work for free.

Anyone out there know anyone that works for Subway in Aus? I get really pissed off when they don't take care making my sub to my specific request but if i was making 50 subs per hour for minimum wage I'd find it hard to care too.

Bowling (aka displaying my appaling lack of hand-eye co-ordination in public) at Strike on Chapel Street. Also played some Daytona -the arcade racer turns ten this year - it was released by Sega in 1994. Imbibe ale I did not, much to the ire of my comrades. They duly admired one of Melbourne's biggest plasma TVs in a shop window.

Big Daddy's sells out

El cheapo Melbourne pizzeria chain Big Daddy's has sold out to American mega-chain Domino's.

Sadly, this means I can no longer get a $5.50 large pizza down the road from work, as the price for a large has been jacked up to $8.50. Big Daddy's wasn't the best quality pizza it's true, but was great value. I'd like to know how much "Big Daddy" made from the deal, given that his chain grew quite a cult following over the last few years.

Domino's doesn't taste terrible, but it's very American in style, lots of cheese and salami slices but not many ingredients on the actual base. The base wasn't as grease-soaked as Pizza Haven, and was a bit lighter than Pizza Hut.

The inevitable Pizza Hut vs Domino's war will be interesting. Speaking of American fast food chains starting up here, I'm still waiting for Krispy Kremes to open here!

And by the way, what is the internet coming to when googling "Big Daddys" brings up a list of links to incest and pedophilia?

Watching Last week's The OC. Seth Cohen in a love triangle = good viewing.

Exposing an Olympic sport Vol. One

Ever notice how the world's top gymnasts are usually 12 or 13... so what sort of life does an Olympic gymnast lead after she reaches her "use-by date" of 17 or 18? Salon columnist Cintra Wilson finds out:

Nothing exists after gymnastics. These poor creatures turn five circles in the air trying to fly closer to the sun, only to be eventually defeated by gravity and puberty, and spend the rest of their lives as travel agents with terrible secrets who don't work and play well with others.

Ouch. Coming up next in your Olympic cavalcade of circus freaks: shot putters... stay tuned.

Watching Ten's old movie of the night, Tom Cruise in Mission: Impossible. I can't believe this movie is eight years old, I still remember going to see it in cinemas like it was only a couple of months ago. Boy am I getting old...

Latham forever, Howard never!

Tsk, Tsk. Shouldn't these troublemakers be attending a lecture or something?

Sipping A vanilla Up & Go, aka breakfast for those that don't have the motor skills to operate a toaster beofre midday.

Why not march in support of Latham's pancreas?

So, after another boring morning in the office, I came back from my overpriced $7 sandwich at Southgate to find they actually had something for me to do with the afternoon.

I get to go out to the State Library with a cameraman to cover yet another one of those bloody anti-Howard anti-HECS rallies that have the sum total effect of holding up traffic, wasting police resources and pissing off passers by... oh joy!

For the record, I'm not in favour of HECS fees increases, and I'm all for political free speech but a pissweak 200-turnout rally 12 months after legislation has already been passes isn't going to achieve much.

The HECS issue is dead for now, and staging a protest during the Olympic Games where it is going to receive zero media coverage isn't the smartest idea. Maybe the National Student Union should spend more time in class.

Amusing was the turnout of ten or so counter-protestors from the Melbourne Uni Liberal Club, who heckled the chants of "One More Cut: Howard's Throat" with creative slogans such as "We Support the Government".

At one point, the cocky Libs started chanting "Go back to Cuba," only too be shut down by a resounding reply of "Go back to Toorak". Fun and games.

A few banners and propaganda leaflets were damaged, but the police horses remained unscathed.

Not surprisingly, a lot of the anti-Howard crowd didn't want to talk to me (once I mentioned where I was from), and the ones that did weren't even current students! Stinks of Rent-a-Crowds-R-Us.

I did however get invited to the pub when the gathering died down and everyone decided to knock off after ten or fifteen minutes outside the building where government figures where allegedly meeting.

I even found a stock-standard 70-year-old woman who thought the protest "was a disgrace" and "what was the world coming to?," but nothing really newsworthy enough to warrant taking any centimetres away from Athens.

But at least I got some good material for my assessment report, not to mention this blog!

Watching Comedy Inc. They've actually had a few decent skits tonight. Sunrise with David Koch and Mel was gold.

Site of the day

Sure, China may be leading the medal tally in Athens, but is that really any sort of achievement given that the country has over 1 billion people to choose from, is that such a big deal?

From the ABS: the Olympic medal tally by proportionate population.

Australia is 2nd behind the United Arab Emirates.

Great idea, now has anyone gone and made a medal tally proportionate to GDP?

Watching Neighbours... not long now til Izzy's secret is revealed and the proverbial hits the fan! Damn addictive lightweight drama serials.

Go for Gold! ... With Tatt's Pokies

I thought that Ian Thorpe's popularity may have waned since 2000 with his pretty boy image taking precedence over pool time.

This morning at 2:43am at the "Bundy Pub", I found out Aussie support for the Thorpedo is strong as ever.

Alcos, gambling addicts, gaming room staff and the termially lonely united as one to watch Thorpe's gold victory. Yes, that's right, a 40-something woman actually stopped dropping coins in the slot to get up and watch the race, if only for three minutes.

Good to see the Olympic spirit can bring a brief glimpse of joy into an otherwise depressing setting. And shame on me for believing that Peter van Haagen-Daaz would win.

Reading Herald Sun Citystyle - bringing you hard-hitting fashion and lifestyle news since 2002! ;)

Three's a crowd, two's a couple, one's just lonely

The City of Melbourne had the initiative to screen the Opening Ceremony live on giant screens in Federation Square in the early hours of Saturday morning. Guess how many sports mad Melbournians showed up to the revel in the open despite the constant rain on the coldest night in years? 50,000? Not quite? Less than 10,000. 2,000? Lower. 1,000? Keep going... 250? Lower.

How many people turned up?

One.

From the Se7en Olmypics website:

A solitary figure, with just a beer to warm him, stood in the rain watching the ceremony on the big screen at Federation Square in Melbourne.

The man, who didn't want to be named, said he thought it would have been a bit more of a party.

What's the odds that single man was none other than John So, trying to get into the Aussie spirit and fulfiling his mayoral duties?

Aurally consuming Slinkee Minx - Summer Rain. Admittedly, the idea of taking a 70s/80s hit, re-doing the vocals and adding some 'doof doof' is now about original as chocolate topping on vanilla ice cream. But this track achieves its goal perfectly - retaining the essence of the original while making it speedier and dancier. The original song was catchy in its day, but is relegated to the honour of elevator music (aka Mix FM) these days. This new release make the vocals appealing and gets you singing along regardless of if you thought the original was crap. Best of the genre since DJ Sammy - Heaven.

Harder, Stronger, Faster

How about this for irony. Women's beach volleyball is the closest Olympic sport we have to competitive softcore porn (the gymnastic event with the pummel horse being a close second), and it's not on SBS!

Watching the above, Australia v Bulgaria. The Bulgarians are a lot more "talented" in my humble opinion too...

Site of the day

What is the perfect partner to a Super Parma? Why a tall pint of frosty cold lager, at discount prices of course!

Want to get smashed on a budget, but don't know what nights/pubs to best do it? The Happiest Hour is a godsend for all those tightarse alcos out there...

Drinking a glass of Yalumba Shiraz, the last of the cask.

Our prayers go out to Delta

Unless you get all your news from SBS, you'd know that Delta Goodrem was admitted to an Athens hospital with a fever last night.

Delta, the entire GNf family would like to offer you our unconditional love and support during this time of need. You've officially replaced Jana Pittman's dodgy knee as the number one concern to the heart of the nation.

Watching Ten News - the number one sources for breaking news of Delta updates as they happen. According to unconfirmed reports, she's just asked the hospital nurse for a fresh box of Kleenex.

Paulini: my single is annoying crap

Check this little gem from the quality folks* down at the Herald Sun:

Her first single, Angel Eyes, slipped to No. 2 on this week's ARIA charts, and she meekly admitted she was already growing to dislike it.

"For the first few weeks, I couldn't believe I was on the radio, but now I can't stand listening to it in the car," Curuenavuli said.

Oh Paulini, how I empathise... Now how about a public apology for inflicting it on the nation?

Listening to The Streets - Original Pirate Material. Well, geezers need excitement, don't they?

*This endorsement was not paid for, unfortunately.

Thursday at HWT

Just a novelty post from the office, killing time from 9 to 5, what a life.

Eating a Tandoori chicken laffe from Trio's. If anyone knows how to pronounce "laffe" please let me know, because I've just been saying "wrap" so as not to look ignorant when ordering.