Welcome to Nick and Jessica Central

According to stats provided by the good people at Extreme Tracking, this blog is receiving a flurry of traffic from visitors looking for goss on the rumored divorce of braindead poptart Jessica Simpson and ex-boy bander Nick Lachey.

Not that I find this piece of news particularly surprising or interesting, but let's play the game and give the people what they want.

The Times Leader believes rumours that the Newlyweds couple's marriage was on the rocks may have been premature:

Just days after "The New York Post" reported that Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson have hit a rough patch in their marriage, the couple appear to be closer than ever.

According to HitsDailyDouble.com, Nick and Jessica were among the many celebs who attended a Maroon 5 benefit show at LA's Troubador club last week, where they were seen bumping and grinding on the dance floor.

There we have it folks: conclusive evidence.

As well as producing crap music, Nick and Jessica enjoy listening to crap music.

And while we're on the topic of popstars tying or untying the knot, here's proof that Britney's "wedding" was fake.

I feel so dirty, like my blog is turning into E! or Who Weekly...

Not watching the 6pm Simpsons on Ten, now they're back to the start of Season 2. Play the eps we don't have on DVD! But I won't miss the 7pm and 7:30pm editions! So can someone let me know whether or not Bart has to repeat the fourth grade?

These are the people in your neighbourhood

From today's Hun:

A MAN died after being stabbed outside a popular fast-food restaurant yesterday.

Shocked onlookers watched as the 32-year-old was attacked outside the McDonald's restaurant on Racecourse Rd, Flemington, about 11.30am.
It is believed the stabbing followed an altercation with a man.

The victim was rushed to the Royal Melbourne Hospital in a critical condition with stab wounds to the upper body.

The man died yesterday afternoon. Witnesses told police the attacker fled in a car driven by a second man.

I knew there was a reason I prefer to get drive-thru rather than walk to this particular Maccas outlet... In fact I picked up a Quarter Pounder and some McNuggets from the crime scene around 20 hours before the incident.

Missing the days when I loved going to the Royal Melbourne Show. It saddens we when it comes and goes without me really noticing now.

Friday night highlights

Introducing the triumphant return of PiX to the GNf stable... featuring an all new gallery of Kate's 22nd party on Friday. No less than 63 photographs presented in all their glorious mediocrity.

An enjoyable evening was had by all of Kate's vast collection of friends from uni, high school, sport, family and the blogosphere. Most patrons were decked out in a school uniform: the nerdy ties, blazers, short skirts and fairy bread brought us back to somewhere between Years 9 and 11... carefree days most of us yearn for.


Exclusive dancefloor action. Picture courtesy of our on-location Parkville correspondent

Now go check out the whole gallery.

For even more photos of the evening, look here and here. With the number of photos taken at this party, you'd think Reuters would've had someone there to cover the event.

Apologies for the delay in getting these pics online. Not suprisingly 4 hours of semi-sober sleep followed by 12 hours of work, followed by 6 hours of recovery sleep, followed by another 12 hours of work takes it out of you.

The opposite of road rage

I think we've all experienced road rage at some time. It's gotten to the point where I accept it as part of the driving experience, and expect nothing more than complete idiocy from other drivers.

But driving to work this morning I experienced what might just be the opposite of road rage, and was quite pleasantly surprised.

As I approached the roundabout from hell (Greensborough Bypass) and waited in the left turn lane for the traffic to clear, the normally trusty Subaru suddenly ran low on juice. I put the handbrake on, turned off the pumping music, flicked the hazard lights on and tried revving and re-starting the engine a few times.

Out of nowhere, a vehicle pulls up behind me. A bloody cement mixer of all things.

While revving the engine, I wait for the inevitable beeping, flashing of hi-beams and obligatory barrage of abuse from the vehicle stuck behind me. Amazingly, the cement mixer just reverses a little, crosses into the lane next to me and turns.

After a few goes, the engine starts and I continue on my way.

I turn left, and a few metres up on the side of the road the cement mixer is pulled over and the driver stepping down looking from my direction. He sees me driving past, gives a nod and a wave, and gets back into the truck.

For all the speeding, non-indicating, lane-cutting, halogen-hi-beam-flashing, red-light-running fuckwits on the roads, it's quite surprising that there's still people out there happy to help.

Singing We'll never stop stop stop til' we're top top top... It's history here in the making. We've got the Power to win. We'll never give in. 'Til the flag is ours for the taking. Power! Yes, it's just that good to see Brisbane not win a fourth flag in a row.

Britney wedding "fake" shock

Betting* on GNf's Spears-Federline marriage length market has been suspended due to reports that the wedding wasn't real. We're still in stock.

*market for novelty purposes only. GNf is not accepting actual bets.

Doris Day does the Cowboys

Any Melbournian can tell you that Rugby League isn't exactly a popular sport here.

So it's no great surprise to turn to the Sunday page of this week's TV guide and see that Channel Nine have scheduled the Sydney Roosters v North Queensland Cowboys preliminary final in insomniac primetime, starting sometime around 1:30am.

So the NRL doesn't rate here, and Storm didn't make it through.

But take a look at the quality viewing they went with instead:

3.00 Movie: Calamity Jane. 1953 musical starring Doris Day. The story of cowgirl Calamity Jane the rugged, jack-of-all-trades who insisted living life her way and became a legendary heroine of the Wild West. R, G.

Potentially a huge rater there. If they're not going to show live league, would something filmed sometime within the last 50 years be too much to ask?

This is officially the worst programming decision since Nine opted to go for "Free Willy 2" in the Sunday 4pm slot in favour of a Melbourne Storm game last year on a weekend where there was no AFL.

Stay tuned to see whether Nine decide to air the NRL Grand Final live in Victoria, or whether those genius programmers go with a silent film from the 1930s.

Guzzling Pepsi Max. Sugarfree yet so sweet!

Coming up on MTV... Nick and Jessica: Newlydivorcees

Amazingly, Britney Spears and Kevin Federline's marriage isn't on the rocks yet. But now Jessica Simpson's marriage has boosted her star power from not to hot, it's time to move on...

Local celeb rag NW reports :
Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey are rumoured to be heading for a divorce. The cracks in the couple's two-year marriage are reportedly running so deep they're considering calling it quits for good. According to a source close to Nick, "They’re living single lives these days — I wouldn't be surprised if both of them are on the market in a few months."

Arriving in Miami recently, they couldn't contain their animosity and spent the majority of their trip as far away from each other as possible.

Now a source close to Nick has revealed the 98 Degrees singer believes his marriage will soon be over, dubbing his wife a "pampered bimbo". "If I’d wanted a bimbo I'd have married Paris Hilton," spat Nick after another furious row with his wife. The source says Jess's and Nick's lives are filled with bitter bust-ups behind the scenes.

MTV executives are apparently casting for a new husband for Jesssica Simpson's series. Apply now.

Loving the imminent return of summer to Melbourne. Almost shorts weather.

Britney Divorce II: GNf's official market

So unless the nightly news you watch is on ABC or SBS, where they prefer to focus on what's happening in countries with big long names you've never heard of, you'd know by now that Britney has just gotten married. J-Lo still leads 4-2.

GNf betting service has come up with the following market* for betting on how long Brits and whoever the guy she decided to marry is will last...

$2.50 15-31 days
$3.00 8-14 days
$4.00 1-7 days
$5.00 2-3 months
$6.00 4-6 months
$8.00 7-9 months
$10.00 10-12 months
$34.00 1 year
$51.00 2 years
$67.00 3-4 years
$501.00 5-10 years
$1001.00 >10 years

*market for novelty purposes only. GNf is not accepting actual bets.

Brownlow tip: I'm going with Quarters' tip. Riewoldt.

Hot lesbian action hits Ramsay Street

Neighbours fans, hot blooded males, lesbians, gay rights activists and freaky obsessive Internet types rejoice!

From the description of the episode scheduled for Wednesday, 22 September 6:30pm:

"Lana steals a kiss from Sky. Serena sees Luka in secret. Libby's challenged to return to Erinsborough High. Harold enlists Lou's help when he loses his miracle pills."

That's right punters, Erinsborough High babes Stephanie McIntosh and Bridget Neval are set to get it on in the hottest G-rated girl-on-girl pashing action since The Price is Right's models started kissing losing female contestants (sorry, avid Googlers, Lara Sacher will not star in an incestuous threesome).

But what's up with Harold and his miracle pills? Looks like this soapie is moving in on traditional ACA and TT territory in an all-out teatime timeslot ratings war.

Eating Domino's. It's nothing spectacular, but not bad for big chain pizza.

Top, top, top... stop, stop, stop!

Apart from that song, tonight's preliminary final was a classic.

It was the best I've seen (as an objective fan) since Plugger kicked truly after the siren to knock the Bombers out in '96. And for the first time since '97, I found myself barracking for the Sainters: once again in vain.

So many finals this year have been one-sided snoozefests, it was somewhat refreshing to see a tight, hihg-pressure game from first bounce to final siren.

Everyone in the football world wanted to see Port choke tonight, but they got through thanks to their class, and the skills of veteran Wanganeen. The Saints came back again and again, but lack of finals experience showed in the third and last quarters, and even Harvey was feeling the pressure.

Most intriguing was the monitor positioned directly behind Grant Thomas in the coaching box, flashing the word "POWER" in teal and black like something out of a 1980s video game. Were the locals using shifty subliminal tactics to put doubt into the minds of the Saints administration? I want answers, Demetriou.

Here's hoping for the Cats to serve up another classic final tomorrow night. I'm not confident though. The Lions will break away in the thirsd quarter and romp it in by 45 points after a tight first half.

Next Saturday see the first all non-Victorian Grand Final at the G. Unless the AFL in all fairness decide to move it to Dairy Farmers Stadium in Townsville.

Tipping Brisbane Lions to win tomorrow night and next week. Port played their Grand Final tonight.

Back in politics...

...everyone's favourite take-away food serving redheaded clown.



No, not him.



Go Pauline! I can honestly say see I'm glad to see her back in politics - hopefully this means she'll come out with some pearlers providing new material for Pauline Pantsdown tracks. Though topping the dizzy heights of 'Back Door Man' and 'I Don't Like It' won't be easy.

And her daughter isn't too bad on the eye for the offspring of white trash.

Watching Eddie acting like a game show host (who would have thought?) on Marstermind.

Cutthroat: C. Folwell misses clean sweep

Tonight the highly reputable Grimshaw St "nightclub" Bar Eight hosted GNf's inaugural cutthroat challenge.

For the uninitiated, cutthroat is an interesting game you can play on a pool table using three players. Each player is assigned five of the 15 balls which must be protected, and last man wins. Devious tactics result.

After hot-to-trot punter C. Folwell notched up four games in a row, he choked on the fifth for this very blogger to clean up the spoils. D. Browne languished on nought from five.

Pics next time when I remember to bring ye olde digital camera.

Drinking a round of Carlton Draughts.

Superheroes taking over the world

Forget terrorists, be on the lookout for superheroes. Batman and Spiderman went on a rampage in the UK.



Yes, the camp 60's versions we all loved, not the plastic Hollywood blockbuster-versions of the 90s and 00s.

Listening to that new Fatboy song. Man that guy kicks arse. You know the one that goes "slash dot dash dot slash dot dash dot slash dot dash dot slash dot com".

When family barbecues go wrong...

Apparently swapping of casserole recipes is rife in this family.

Reuters reports: LUSAKA (Reuters) - Zambian police have arrested a man who exhumed, cooked and ate part of his grandson's corpse, police say.

Police spokeswoman Brenda Muntemba said a hunter found the man eating pieces of flesh in a graveyard in Milambo, 370 miles north of the capital Lusaka.

"The man exhumed a corpse and cut off some flesh which he cooked in a pot and started eating ... we went to the grave of his grandson and verified that he had exhumed the body," Muntemba told Reuters on Monday.

Only in Zambia...

Watching Seth Cohen's big decision: sexy nerd Anna or brown-eyed belle Summer?

Sweet zombie jesus!

Rumors are going round the net that Fox is considering bringing back Futurama after its unmerciful axing a few years ago.

This is due to strong sales of the DVD sets and video games, and good ratings for reruns on Cartoon Network in the US. Apparently a fifth season was around 50% complete when Fox axed the series, and Matt Groening is doing everything he can to resurrect the show. The only major stumbling block seems to be the cost the series takes to produce, given all the fancy CG required.

You brought back Family Guy, now please Uncle Rupert, bring back the animated antics of Fry, Bender and Leela and I'll reward you with eternal loyalty to News Corp.

Playing Bankshot Billiards Club on MSN Messenger. It's free for 14 days, people ... play with me!

Home and Away star in porn shock

Is there anything more devious than searching the web looking for porn involving Home and Away star Kate Ritchie. Known for her longtime role as Sally in the popular Australian soap, her alleged appearance in the widely circulated sex video is as yet unproven.

Headkicker d. Arselicker

Go Mark Latham, work that worm!

Johnny and Marky's media skills were on display tonight, and Mark started his first great debate with visible nerves. Looking straight on at the camera. Getting the hand movements right. Nodding your head at the right time for maximum impact. All skills that one needs to lead a country.

These debates are a festival of the pollies pimping their parties to the public like skanky hos: reducing $9 billion debt this, $5b budget deficit that, 70% of taxpayers better off this, $600 in families' pockets that.

Dear reader, I ask you: does pulling out these facts and figures and dressing them up with rhetoric consciously influence your vote in the slightest?

I did feel sorry for Little Johnny watching the worm during his arguments: like Ian Turpie, he just couldn't get it up.

My blow-by-blow verdict:

Economy/Tax: Howard wins. Lots of promises from Latham, but where's the money coming from? The $600 will be a popular sticking point for Howard.

National Security: Latham wins. Howard still feeling the fallout from WMDs.

Education: Latham. Loved both of them pleading for Joe Sixpack and Mary Punchclock to relate to them by talking about going to public schools.

Health: Latham. Though it is easier to criticise the system from the outside.

Future in Government: Latham. It's bleeding obvious Costello will take over halfway through the term, why doesn't Howard come out and say it?

Presentation: Howard, but so he should be, as the more experienced campaigner.

Overall: Latham. Now take this momentum through to October 9 and beat Johnny boy like he was a taxi driver!

Watching Duh, the above. Laurie Oakes and friends were okay, but they were a bit too serious: I missed those "good Aussie bloke" moments only Ray can provide.

Old jelly belly in the game for bitches and bling bling

Kylie. Natalie. Holly. Delta.

They're all former Ramsay Street residents who are now big on the international pop scene.

Who's next, you ask? Stephanie McIntosh? Michelle Ang? Lara Sacher? That new Canadian lesbian chick who's pretending she wants to get into Boyd's pants while secretly wanting to get into Sky's? Wrong, wrong, wrong and wrong.

The correct answer is: Ian Smith, better known as kindly old Harold Bishop.


Playa: H-Daddy and his homies, cruisin' for ho's

From the world's number one tabloid The Sun:
Neighbours veteran IAN SMITH is releasing a hip-hop single – in a bid to become the OAP Diddy of pop.

Ian, who plays bumbling Harold Bishop in the Aussie soap, is determined to get a Christmas No. 1 in the UK charts.

He said: “I’m working on a track called I Am Not A Pop Star. It has a hip-hop feel. I go into the studio in a month.

"Hopefully I’ll top the charts by the end of the year. I think it’s a lot of fun and my mates are already calling me Puff Grandaddy.”

Next week on Neighbours: Harold and Lou compete for the title of Ramsay Street's mack daddy of pimpmasters.

Guzzling OJ (no gin).

BHP 13.16 (-.07) ... CBA 30.05 (+.13) ... GNF 0.52 (-.02)...

How could this happen without me noticing? An online fantasy game dedicated to the world of blogging!

Blogshares treats blogs as companies on the stock exchange, assigning a market valuation and share price based on the number of incoming/outgoing links to/from your blog. And the freaky thing? Basically every blog ever created exists as part of this game whether you were aware of it or not!

How is this blog, and your blog faring?

Over to Michael Pascoe with tonight's business report:

Trading in good news fresh: the GNf blog has been stagnant, with the blog having a market value of B$1,354.77 and a share price of B$0.52. Get in on the ground floor, people - the only way is up for this future media conglomerate!

The Supermercado Project has a market value of B$1,430.61 with shares a bargain buy at B$0.29

Hecho en Mexico is on the rise, with a share price of B$1.15 and market value of B$6149.81

Considerable interest has been shown for Funny Face, I Love You, with recent acquistion of stocks driving the share price up to B$75.56, and the blog's market value to B$7,699.96. Keep up the good work, Katie, and your little blog could soon be worth millions!

Get on board today people. An investment in GNf is an investment for your future.

Watching That video of Miss Universe Jennifer Hawkins' dress coming off. She's the new Paris Hilton, without the hardcore action. Ten news clip here.

Reality TV Jakarta-style

Anyone pick this up?

On the "live footage" of the Jakarta bombing today, one of the networks that broadcast the images of the bomb site had the foresight to stick on an animated promo in the top right corner for Indonesia's latest reality dating show!

I wonder what the twist is in this one... setting up an unsuspecting Jamah Islamia fanatic with an infidel shemale could provide quality entertainment for the whole family.

Listening to Fatboy Slim - Joker. ("Some people call me the space cowboy...")

Challenge: can you name 10 Aussie sitcoms?

Inspired by Kate's TV reminiscing (or when Newlyweds was an Australian sitcom not an MTV popslut reality vehicle), I've come up with a list of ten Australian sitcoms.

Not necessarily the best 10 or the worst 10, just 10 that I can remember existing.

1. Hey Dad (1986-1994)
The most much-loved or maligned Aussie sitcom in history. Featured such favourite characters as Nudge, Betty the brain-dead secretary, the fat kid from next door who was always over, and of course, Dad. For the last year or two, the original Dad left the series and was replaced by another Dad, who was actually the Dad's second cousin or something. Kinda ruined the series' premise.

2. Mother and Son (1983-1994)
Classic Aussie comedy about a crackpot old woman and her ever-suffering son. Probably the only Aussie sitcom that presented humorous situations, and didn't rely on the cultural cringe factor for laughs.

3. Acropolis Now (1989-1992)
Great show that gained humour from ethnic stereotypes. Spawned cult figures Nick, Memo and Effie. Incidentally, the guy who played Memo came up to one of my friends at Box Hill Central sometime last year and asked him for a cigarette.

4. Kath & Kim (2002-)
Most successful Australian sitcom ever. Ridiculously overhyped at the moment, but not a bad show.

5. All Together Now (1990-1993)
Washed up rocker Jon English raising two teenage kids. I can remember enjoying this around 1998ish when Nine played it at 3:40am or whenever the cricket was washed out.

6. The Bob Morrison Show (1994)
Sitcom told from the perspective of the family dog was unanimously hated by everyone in the nation and canned after a few weeks. I didn't think it was that bad.

7. Col'n Carpenter (1990-1991)
Australian comedy legend Kym Gyngell starred in this spinoff of his Comedy Company character Col'n Carpenter. Not Colin - that's Col'n! Col'n was a bum who sat around all day and collected the dole.

8. Us and Them (1995)
Laughably appalling Nine attempt at an 'adult comedy'. Acting was like something from a Year 10 drama class, but the blonde was hot.

9. My Two Wives (1992-1993)
Dire family comedy about, most likely about a guy with two wives. Featured a young Kym Valentine (better known as Libby Kennedy on Neighbours).

10. Newlyweds (1993-1994)
Nothing at all memorable about this show. From memory is was on at 8pm Tuesday, following Hey Dad at 7:30. Yep, Aussie sitcoms were crap back then but I'd sure as hell rather watch a crap Aussie sitcom than an Aussie lifestyle/renovation/makeover show.

Watching The Practice. Spader's character is brilliant. And how about the new paralegal with the hint of British accent? Phwoar.

Boozing banana benders enjoy fresh air

The anti-smoking lobby has struck a blow in the sunshine state, having smoking banned in pubs and clubs.

NEWS.com.au reports:

SMOKERS will be banned from all Queensland pubs, clubs and outdoor eateries from mid-2006 under the nation's toughest anti-smoking laws, but high-roller gamblers and prisoners will be exempt from the restrictions.

As a non-smoker, I can't wait for this law to be introduced in Victoria. Coming home from a night out with clothes smelling like cigarette smoke might just be a thing of the past. It will be interesting to see how this is actually enforced though, knowing the high level of smokers in most venues...

And another thing: You can find "The Streets" on AltaVista!